September 4 2012

Editing local news

by Barbie in Around Town, In the News

We receive a monthly community newspaper — if you can call it that — that offers pages and pages of ads and very little news or information. The few articles the newspaper does publish come from a syndicate service, presumably, but not a good one. Here are some examples we pulled from an article in this month’s paper. There are a lot of words, with not much information (and a few typos thrown in there for good measure). Check out the markup and our editorial comments below.

  1. Word choice: Flurry? Furry is certainly not correct!
  2. Using synonyms or closely connected adjectives to describe a noun can lead to a unnecessarily lengthy sentence (e.g., excitement, flurry, and adventure). Moreover, the verb phrase in this sentence is also unnecessarily wordy. Here’s how we’d recommend revising this sentence:
    Amid the excitement of being outdoors, don’t forget to avoid cross contamination.
  3. The tip is also extremely wordy, making it downright difficult to understand (and therefore not a helpful tip at all). Provide hand sanitizer for your guests is a far more concise way to get the point across.